Expressions 114
1.
She barely knows me.
2.
You’re in!
3.
You gotta get back in the game here.
4.
Could we get an egg over here, still in the shell?
5.
I think it’s winning.
6.
Think it’ll work?
7.
Don’t you dare bail on me
8.
Look,you have not been out with a woman since
Janice. You’re doing this.
9.
Way to go, man!
10.
…no trading. You get the pretty one , I get the
mess.
11.
She’s checking the coats.
12.
I can’t go when I’m nervous.
13.
Good for you.
14.
Can I talk to you for a second, over there?
15.
I definitely want to be part of it.
16.
Can we have three chocolate mousses to go please?
17.
Dinner’s on me.
18.
I hope she throws upon you.
19.
He just happened to call.
20.If
you wanna put a label on it.
21.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a toilet brush.
22.They
could shoot the spot without you.
23.You’re
our third call tonight.
24.Is it
loaded?
25.I had
them made special.
26.I
just don’t think things are gonna work out.
27.Don’t
you know it yet?
28.That
could be it.
29.It's just...you know the whole "getting
on with your life" thing.
30.Here’s
a wacky thought.
31.
What’s say you and I give it another shot?
32.Let’s
just stick a pin in it.
33.You
are carrying my baby.
34.All
you need is a woman who likes men and you’ll be set.
35.We
get off around mid night.
Cultural Stop
114
1.
Zinfandel
2.
quarter
3.
champagne
4.
Rob Roy
5.
sage branches
6.
sacramental wine
7.
oregano
8.
Fresca
9.
boxer shorts
10.
grappa
11.
foghorn
12.
wolverine
Plot Summary114
1. Ross
goes on a date with Kristen, a woman from his department building; Carol and
Susan show up at the same restaurant; Susan gets paged and leaves; Ross pays so
much attention to Carol that he doesn’t even notice his date has gone.
2. Joey
can’t go out with his date,
3. Phoebe,
Monica, and Rachel have a cleansing ritual to rid themselves of bad luck with
men, which turns into a fire; Fireman guys come to the rescue.
114 The One With the Candy Hearts
Written by: Bill Lawrence
Transcribed by: Mindy
Mattingly Phillips
With Minor Adjustments by: Eric Aasen
[Scene: Central
Perk, Ross is eyeing a beautiful woman at the counter, and Joey and
Joey: I'm tellin' you Ross, she wants you.
Ross: (1)She barely[1]
knows me. We just live in the same building.
Ross: She lent me an egg once.
Joey: (2)You're in!
Ross: Aw, right.
Woman: Hi, Ross.
Ross: Hey. (stutters something incoherent)
Joey: Excuse me, (4)could we get an egg over here, still in the
shell?
Thanks.
Ross: An egg?
Joey: Yeah, you're gonna
go up to her and say, "Here's your egg back, I'm returning your egg."
Ross: I think it's insane[3].
(Ross
walks over to the woman, egg in hand.)
Joey: (6)Think it'll work?
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central
Perk, Monica, Rachel, Phoebe, Joey,
Monica: You can not do this.
Rachel: Do what, do what?
Monica: Roger wants to take her out tomorrow night.
Rachel: No! Phoebes! Don't you remember why you dumped[4]
the guy?
Phoebe:
'Cause he was creepy, and mean[5],
and a little frightening... alright, still, it's nice to have a date on
Valentine's Day!
Monica:
But Phoebe, you can go out with a creepy guy any night of the year. I know I
do.
Rachel: Well, what are you guys doing tomorrow night?
Joey: Actually, tomorrow night kinda depends on[6]
how tonight goes.
Joey: No, no, no, (7)don't
you dare[7]
bail[8]
on me. The only reason she's goin' out with me is because I said I could
bring a friend for her friend.
Joey: Pathetic[9]
mess? I know, but—come on, man, she's needy[10],
she's vulnerable[11].
I'm thinkin', cha-ching! (Rachel throws a roll at Joey. He picks it up and eats
it.) Thanks. (8)Look, you have not been out with a woman since Janice. You're
doin' this.
Ross: Hi. She said yes.
[Scene: A
Restaurant, Joey and
Joey: (Looking at himself in the reflection on a knife) How do
I look?
Janice: Oh.... my.... God.
[Scene: The
bathroom at the restaurant,
Joey: No, no, no, don't!
I've been waitin' for like, forever to go out with
Joey: (at the urinal)
Can you stop yellin'? You're makin' me nervous, and (12)I can't go when I'm
nervous.
[Scene: Monica and
Rachel's, the girls are all there, discussing their bad luck with men.]
Rachel: Ok, ok, Roger was creepy, but he was nothing compared to
Pete
Carney.
Monica: Which one was Pete Carney?
Rachel:
Pete the Weeper? Remember that guy who used to cry every time we had sex.
(imitating) "Was it good for you?"
Monica:
Yeah, well, I'll take a little crying any day over
Howard-the-"I-win"-guy. (imitating) "I win! I win!" I went
out with the guy for two months—I didn't get to win once.
Rachel: How did we end up with these jerks[13]? We're
good people!
Monica: I don't know. Maybe we're some kinda magnets[14].
Phoebe: I know I am. That's why I can't wear a digital[15]
watch.
Monica: There's more beer, right?
Phoebe:
Oh! You know my friend Abby who shaves her head? She said that if you want to
break the bad boyfriend cycle, you can do like a cleansing ritual[16].
Rachel: Pheebes, this woman is voluntarily[17]
bald[18].
Phoebe:
Yeah. So, we can do it tomorrow night, you guys. It's Valentine's Day. It's
perfect.
Monica: Ok, well, what kind of ritual?
Phoebe: Ok. We can, um, we can burn the stuff they gave us.
Rachel: Or?
Phoebe: Or...or we can chant[19]
and dance around naked, you know, with
sticks[20].
Monica: Burning's good.
Rachel: Burning's good. Yeah, I got stuff to burn.
[Scene: The
Restaurant,
Joey: (13)Good for you. (jumps suddenly) Uh,
quarters or rolls[22]
of
quarters?
Janice: By
the way,
Janice:
Oh, are you sure? Really? Because you know, you could make little puppets[23]
out of them, and you could use them in your theater of cruelty[24].
(
Joey: (to
Joey: Uh, (14)can I talk to you for a second, over there?
(
Joey: Uh, we might be leaving now.
Joey: She said she wants
to slather[25]
my body with stuff and then lick[26]
it off. I'm not even sure what slathering is, but (15)I definitely want to be a part
of it.
Joey: You're right, I'm sorry. You're right.
please?
Joey: I'm outta here. Here's my credit card. (17)Dinner's
on me. I'm
sorry,
(Joey
leaves with
Janice: Just us.
Janice:
Although, I have enjoyed the fact that, uh your shirt's been stickin' outta
your zipper ever since you came back from the bathroom.
Janice: So, do we have the best friends or what?
Janice: (19)I will go for that drink.
Janice: Each.
[Scene:
Janice: Happy Valentine's Day!
[Scene: The Hallway,
Janice: Oh, I miss you already. Can you believe this happened?
Janice: Kiss me! (Janice kisses him. Monica comes out for the
newspaper.}
Monica: Oh,
Monica: Ohhh,
Janice: Hi, Monica.
Monica: Rach, come see who's out here! (Rachel comes out.)
Rachel: Oh my god. Janice, hi!
Monica: I'll be right back. (Joey enters from the stairs.)
Rachel: Oh, Joey, look who it is.
Joey: (in disbelief) Whoa.
Janice: This is so fun. This is like a reunion in the hall.
(Monica
comes out with her cordless phone.)
Monica:
Oh, hi, Ross. Yeah. There's someone I want you to say hi to. (to
Janice: Hi, Ross. Yes, it's me. How did you know? (she laughs
obnoxiously)
[Scene: A Chinese
Restaurant, Ross is there with his date.]
Ross: I'm just sayin' if
dogs do experience jet lag[30],
then, because of the whole um, seven dog years to one human year thing, then,
when a dog flies from
Kristin: That's funny. Who are they?
Ross: The blond woman is
my ex-wife, and the woman touching her is her... close, personal friend.
Kristin: You mean they're lovers.
Ross: (20)If you wanna put a label on it.
Kristin: Wow, uh, anything else I should know?
Ross: Nope, nope, that's it.
(Carol
takes off her jacket, her pregnant belly is exposed.)
Ross: Oh, and she's
pregnant with my baby. I always forget that part. (to Carol and Susan) Helloo!
[Scene: Monica and
Rachel's, the girls are holding their boyfriend bonfire.]
Phoebe: Ok, so now we need, um sage branches[31]
and the
sacramental wine[32].
Monica: All I have is, is oregano[33]
and a Fresca[34].
Phoebe: Um,
that's ok! (throws it in fire) Ok. All right. Now we need the semen[35]
of a righteous[36]
man.
Rachel:
Ok, Pheebs, you know what, if we had that, we wouldn't be doing the ritual in
the first place.
Monica: Can we just start throwing things in?
Phoebe: Ok, yeah, ok. (she throws the directions in) Oh, OK.
Rachel:
(tossing things in the fire) Ok, Barry's letters. Adam Ritter's boxer shorts[37].
Phoebe: Ok, and I have the, uh receipt[38]
for my dinner with Nokululu Oon
Ah Ah.
Monica: Look, here's a picture of Scotty Jared naked.
Rachel: (looking at picture) Hey he's wearing a sweater.
Monica: No.
Rachel and Phoebe: Eww!
Rachel: And here we have the last of Paulo's grappa[39].
Monica: Hey, Rachel, isn't that stuff almost pure...(Rachel
throws the alcohol in the fire. A burst of flames shoots up from it.)
[Scene: Central
Perk,
Joey: I don't know. You dumped her on New Year's.
(Janice
enters.)
Janice: Hello, funny Valentine.
Janice:
Hello, Joey, our little matchmaker[40].
I could just kiss you all over, and I'm gonna! (Janice kisses Joey all over.
Joey: (to
[Scene: The Chinese
Restaurant.]
Ross: So, um, what do you do for a living?
Kristin:
Well, um, for the past few years I've been working..(Ross is watching Carol and
Susan, not listening to Kristin. Susan gets up, and has to go. Carol is left
stranded)...which is funny because, that wasn't even my major.
Carol: Oh no. I thought you said (22)they could shoot[41]
the spot[42]
without
you.
Susan: I
thought they could...I'll try to get back as soon as I can. I'm sorry. (Ross
realizes Kristin was expecting him to laugh, so he starts to laugh
hysterically.)
Ross: Now that is funny.
Hey, do you think...would it be too weird if I invited Carol over to join us?
'Cause she's, she's alone now, and pregnant, and, and sad.
Kristin: (reluctantly) I guess.
Ross: Are you sure? Great. Carol? Wanna come over and join us?
Carol: Oh, no no no. I'm fine. I'm fine.
Ross: Come on. These
people'll scooch[43]
down. You guys'll scooch, won't you? Let's try scooching! Come on. Come on. Uh,
Kristen Riggs, this is Carol Willick. Carol, Kristin. Uh, Carol teaches sixth
grade. And, Kristin, Kristin...(struggling)...does something that, funnily
enough, wasn't even her major!
[Scene: Monica and
Rachel's, firemen are there to handle the bonfire that got out of control.]
Fireman No. 1: What do we got there?
Fireman No. 2: A piece of something: boxer shorts, greeting cards, and
what looks like a half-charred[44]
picture—Wow, that guy's hairier than the Chief[45]!
Monica: You know, it's a really funny story how this happened.
Fireman No. 3: It's all right. It's all right. You don't have to
explain. This isn't the first boyfriend bonfire[46]
that we've seen get out of control.
Fireman No. 1: (23)You're our third call tonight.
Rachel: Really?
Fireman No. 2: Oh, sure, Valentine's is our busiest night of the year.
[Scene: Central
Perk.]
Janice: I brought you something.
Janice: (25)I had them made special.
Janice: That's fine.
Janice: Mmm-hmm. Because I know that this isn't the end.
Janice:
No, it isn't, because you won't let that happen. (27)Don't you know it yet? You
love me, Chandler Bing.
Janice:
Well then ask yourself this. Why do you think we keep ending up together? New
Year's? Who invited who? Valentine's? Who asked who into whose bed?
Janice:
You seek[48]
me out. Something deep in your soul calls out to me like a foghorn[49].
Janice, Janice. You want me. You need me. You can't live without me. And you
know it. You just don't know you know it. See ya.
(She
kisses him passionately,then leaves.)
[Scene: The Chinese
Restaurant, Ross and Carol are talking. Kristin is not there.]
Carol: It's not true. I never called your mother a wolverine[50].
Ross: You did so. I
swear, I swear—(noticing Kristin's absence) How long has she been in the
bathroom?
Carol: Uh, I don't think she's in the bathroom. Her coat is
gone.
Ross: Well maybe it's
cold in there. Or maybe I screwed up[51]
the first date I had in 9 years.
Carol: (28)That could be it.
Ross: Oh, god. (He puts
his head down on the grill) You know, this is still pretty hot. (He picks his
head up, and a mushroom sticks to his head. Carol picks it off and eats it.)
Carol:
Mushroom. Smile. They won't all be like this. Some women might even stay
through dinner. Sorry, that's not funny
Ross: No, (29)it's
just...you know the whole "getting on with your life" thing. Well,
do I have to? I mean, I'm sitting here with this cute woman, and, and, and
she's perfectly nice, and, but that there's, that's it. And um, and then I'm
here talkin' to you, and, and it's easy, and it's fun, and, and I don't, I
don't have to...You know, (30)here's a wacky[52]
thought. Um, (31)what's say you and I give it another shot? No
no no, I know what you're gonna say, you're a lesbian. But what do you say we
just put that aside for now you know? (32)Let's just stick[53]
a pin[54]
in it, ok? Because, we're great together, you know. You can't deny it.
Besides, (33)you're
carrying my baby. I mean, how perfect is that? But see, you know, you
keep sayin' that, but there's somethin' right here. I love you.(They kiss.)
Carol: Oh, I love you too. But...
Ross: No but, no but.
Carol:
You know that thing you put over here with the pin in it? It's time to take the
pin out. You'll find someone, I know you will. The right woman is just waiting
for you.
Ross: That's easy for you to say, you found one already.
Carol: (34)All you need is a woman who likes men and you'll be
set.
(A
beautiful woman walks by Ross, he stares at her.)
Carol: Not her.
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and
Rachel's, The girls are talking with the firemen.]
Fireman No. 3: (35)We get off around midnight, why don't we pick you
up
then?
Rachel: So, um, will you bring the truck?
Fireman No. 3: I'll even let you ring the bell.
Rachel: Oh, my god.
Phoebe: See, there you go, the cleansing works!
Monica: They're nice guys.
Rachel: Oh, they're firemen guys.
[Scene: Out in the
hall, the firemen are talking.]
Fireman No. 1: You guys tell them you were married?
Fireman No. 2: No way!
Fireman No. 3: Are you kidding? My girlfriend doesn't know, I'm not
gonna tell them!
End
