201
The One With Ross' New Girlfriend
Written by: Jeff Astroff & Mike Sikowitz
Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly Phillips
With Minor Adjustments by: Eric Aasen
[Scene: Central Perk,
Phoebe is recapping1
last season, and as she talks we see a montague2
of scenes3
from Ross and Rachel.]
Phoebe: Ok, so this is pretty much what's happened so far. Ross was in
love with Rachel since, you know, forever, but every time he tried to tell her,
something kind of got in the way, like cats, and Italian guys. Finally Chandler was like "forget about her" but when
Ross was in China on his dig4, (1)Chandler
let it slip that Ross was in love with Rachel. She was like,
"Oh my god." So she went to the airport to meet him when he came
back, but what she didn't know was, that Ross was getting off the plane with
another woman. Uh-Oh! So, (2)that's pretty much
everything you need to know. But, enough about us.
So, how've you been?
Opening Credits
[Scene, The
Airport, continued from last season, Rachel is waiting for Ross to come of the
plane, when she sees he's coming off with another woman.]
Rachel: Oh my god. Oh my god. (She decides to make a break for it.)
Excuse me. Move! Move! Emergency! Excuse me! (She tries climbing over a bench
and falls down.)
Ross: (seeing her) Rach!
Rachel: Oh, there you are! Hi! Oh, so, so, how was China, you? (Hits him with the flowers.)
Ross: It was, it was great. Oh, what happened?
Rachel: What?
Ross: You're bleeding.
Rachel: I am? Oh, look at that, yes I am. (3)Enough about
me, enough about me, Mr. Back from the Orient. Come on. I wanna hear everything! Everything.
(Looks at Julie)
Ross: Well, where do I start? This is Julie. Julie, this is Rachel.
Rachel: These are, these aren't for you. (to Julie) These are for you. (Loudly, thinking she can't
speak English.) Welcome to our country.
Julie: (Loudly, proving she can speak English.) Thank you. I'm from New York.
Rachel: Ok, well, not a problem. We'll just use them to stop the
bleeding. Ok. (4)Baggage claim? Ok.
[Scene: Monica and
Rachel's, the gang is waiting for Rachel to return from the airport with Ross.]
Chandler: No way!
Monica: I'm telling you, she went to the airport, and she's gonna go for it with Ross!
Phoebe: Oh my god. This is huge. This is bigger than huge. This is like,
all right, what's bigger than huge?
Joey: Um, this?
Phoebe: Yes.
Monica: Guys, you got your hair cut.
Chandler: Yes, yes, we did, thanks to Vidal Buffay.5
Phoebe: 'Cause, you know, (in that voice) if you don't look good, we
don't look good. I love that voice.
Rachel: (entering, out of breath) Airport, airport. Ross, not alone,
Julie, arm around her. Cramp6, cramp.
Chandler: Ok, I think she's trying to tell us something. Quick, get the
verbs. (She hits Chandler.)
Rachel: (to Chandler)
You, you, you said he liked me. (Ross and Julie enter)
You, you slowpokes7!
Ross: (5)That's all right, Rach,
we got the bags. Hi, hello. Julie, this is my sister Monica. This is Chandler. Phoebe. Joey,
what up?
Joey: What up?!
Ross: Everyone, this is Julie.
Rachel: (out of breath) Julie.
All: Ohh. (Happily) Hi!
Julie: Hi, (6)but I'm not here, you haven't met
me. I'll make a much better first impression tomorrow when I don't have
20 hours of cab8
and plane on me.
Ross: And bus.
Julie: Oh my god.
Ross: The screaming guy?
Julie: And the spitting9?
Ross: You gotta hear this story.
Julie: We're on this bus, that's easily 200 years old...
Ross: 200 at least.
Julie: ...and this guy...
Rachel: And the chicken pooped10 in
her lap11. Oh, I'm
so sorry. I just gave away the ending, didn't I? Oh! It's just, I just heard this
story in the cab, and it is all I can think about.
Monica: This is amazing. I mean, how, how did this happen?
Julie: Well, Ross and I were in grad
school12 together.
Ross: But we haven't seen each other since then. Well I land in China,
guess who's in charge of the dig13.
Rachel: Julie! Julie, isn't that great? I mean, isn't that just
kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic?
Monica: (to Julie) It's an expression.
Ross: Well, we just wanted to say a quick hi, and then we're gonna go see the baby.
Julie: And then we've gotta get some sleep.
Ross: Yeah, (7)it's really 6:00
tomorrow night our time.
Chandler: Well, listen, don't tell us what's gonna happen though, 'cause I like to be surprised. (Ross
and Julie exit)
Rachel: Bye. (She closes the door and everyone tries to sympathize14 with
her.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross
and Chandler
enter.]
Ross: Hey, Rach, can I get some coffee?
Rachel: Yeah, sure.
Ross: Thank you.
Chandler: Hey, Rach, can I get...
Rachel: Did you talk to him?
Chandler: Not yet.
Rachel: Then, no. (He goes to sit down next to Ross.)
Chandler: So what the hell happened to you in China? I mean, when last we left
you, you were totally in love with, you know.
Ross: I know, I know I was, but there was always this little voice
inside that kept saying it's never gonna happen, move on15. You
know whose voice that was?
Chandler: God?
Ross: It was you, pal16.
Chandler: (8)Well, maybe it was God, doing me.
Ross: Look, you were right. She looks at me and sees a friend, that's
all. But then I met Julie, and I don't know, we're havin'
a great time. And I have to say, I never would've gone for it with her if it
hadn't been for you.
Chandler: Well, you owe17
me one, big guy.
Rachel: (To Ross) Here's your lemonade18.
Ross: I didn't order lemonade.
Rachel: Oh. Well then, you better go take that back because they're gonna charge you for that.
Ross: But...
Rachel: Go-go-go-go, come on! (Ross goes over to the counter19)(to Chandler) So uh, what did
you find out?
Chandler: He said...he said, he said that they're having a great time. I'm
sorry. But, (9)the silver lining, if you wanna
see it, is that he made the decision all by himself! Without any outside help
whatsoever.
Rachel: How is that the silver lining?
Chandler: You have to really wanna see it.
[Scene: Monica and
Rachel's, Ross and the gang is watching Sumo wrestling
on TV.]
Ross: Ironically20,
these are the guys who were picked last in gym21.
[Cut to Phoebe and Monica
in the kitchen.]
Monica: Pheebes, you know what I'm thinking?
Phoebe: Oh, ok. How, it's been so long since you've had sex, you're
wondering if they've changed it?
Monica: No, although now that's what I'm thinking.
Phoebe: All right, so what were you thinking?
Monica: Well, I was thinking, that you gave the guys such great haircuts,
I thought, maybe you'd like to do mine?
Phoebe: Ohh! No.
Monica: Why not?
Phoebe: Because, I'm just, I'm incredibly22
anal 23and an
unbelievable control freak24.
Monica: No you're not.
Phoebe: I know I'm not, but you are, and I was trying to spare25 your
feelings. (The phone rings.)
Joey: (answering the phone) Hello? Oh, hi. Yeah, hold on a second.
Ross, it's Julie, for you. (Throws
him the phone.)
Ross: (on phone) Hello? Hi.
Chandler: (entering) Hi. Anybody know a good tailor26?
Joey: Needs some clothes altered?
Chandler: No, no, I'm just looking for a man to draw on me with chalk.
Joey: Why don't you go see Frankie? My family's been goin' to him forever. He did my first suit when I was 15.
No wait, 16. No, 'scuse me, 15. (still
confused) All right, when was 1990?
Chandler: Okay. You have to stop the Q-tip when there's resistance!
Ross: (on phone) Ok, ok, sweetheart, I'll see you later. Ok, bye. What?
(Sits down next to Rachel) Oh, that is so sweet. No, no, ok, you hang up27. Ok,
ok, one, two, three. (Doesn't hang up and motions for Rachel to be quiet) Well
you didn't hang up either.
Rachel: She didn't hang up either!
Ross: Ok, no, no, you hang up. You, you, y...
Rachel: (taking the phone and hanging it up) Sorry, I thought you were
talking to me.
Ross: Rachel! I'll just call her back.
Rachel: Okay!
Ross: (calls Julie back) Hi? Sorry, we got disconnected... (Walks away.)
Rachel: (to Monica) Ok, ok, ok. How did this happen to me? How did this
happen to me? A week ago, two weeks ago, I was fine. Ross was just Ross, just
this guy. Now he's Rrrooossss, oh, this really great
guy that I can't have.
Monica: Sweetie, I wanted you to have him too.
Rachel: I know you did. I'm just gonna deal
with it, I'm just gonna deal with it. (Ross comes by,
smoching28 with
Julie on the phone.) I gotta get out of here. (Exits)
Chandler: Ok, I don't care what you guys say, something's bothering her.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning.]
Joey: (to Chandler)
You know, I think I was sixteen.
Monica: (to Phoebe) Please,(10) just
a little bit off the back.
Phoebe: I'm still on "no."
Rachel: (poking her head in from her bedroom) Uh, morning. Do you guys
think you could close your eyes for just a sec?
Joey: No-no-no-no-no, (grabs his pants) I'm not fallin'
for that again.
Phoebe: What's goin' on?
Rachel: Well, I sorta29
did a stupid thing last night.
Chandler: What stupid thing did you do?
Paulo: (entering
from Rachel's room) Bon giorno tutti!
Phoebe: Ewww! (Gets up and walks away.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]
Rachel: Ok, Paulo, why don't you just go get dressed, and then you be on your way, ok, bye-bye. (Paulo goes into his room.)
Monica: Rachel, how did this happen?
Rachel: I don't know, I just kinda
ran into him last night.
Phoebe: Where?
Rachel: At his apartment. Is this juice30?
Joey: Whoa, whoa. (11)And the fact that you dumped
him because he hit on Phoebe?
Rachel: Oh God, I know I'm a pathetic loser.
Monica: Honey, you're not pathetic, you're sad.
Chandler: People do stupid things when they're upset.
Monica: My god, if I had a nickel31
for every guy I wish I hadn't... (Everyone looks at her) ,
but this is about your horrible mistake.
(Ross and Julie enter.)
All: Hi!
Ross: Hi. Sorry we're late but we were -- well, there was touching.
Paulo: (entering)
Hey, hey Ross.
Ross: Hey, Paulo. What are you doing here?
Paulo: I do
Raquel.
Ross: (to Rachel) So, uh, he's back.
Rachel: Yeah, he's back. Is that a problem?
Ross: No, not a problem.
Rachel: Good! I'm glad it's not a problem.
Phoebe: (to Paulo) Ok, you're gonna have to not
touch my ass.
Chandler: Well, in spite of the yummy32
bagels33 and
palpable34 tension35, I've got
pants that need to be altered.
Joey: Hey, Chandler,
when you see Frankie, tell him Joey Tribbiani says
hello. He'll know what it means.
Chandler: Are you sure he's gonna be able to crack36 that code?
Monica: (to Phoebe) You know it's funny, the
last time Paulo was here, my hair was so much shorter and cuter.
Phoebe: All right. Ok, but, but! You have to promise that you will not be
all like control-y and bossy and Monica about it.
Monica: I promise.
Phoebe: All right. (Talking to Monica's hair.)
Now some of you are gonna get cut, and some of you
aren't.
(12)But I promise none of you are gonna feel a thing.
[Scene: Monica's bedroom,
Phoebe is finishing with her haircut and Monica is whincing.]
Phoebe: All right, that's it, I quit.
Monica: What? I didn't say anything.
Phoebe: Yeah, but this (makes Monica's face) isn't the face of a person
who trusts a person. Ok, this (makes Monica's face) is the face of a person
who, you know, doesn't trust a person.
Monica: I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Phoebe. It's just a little shorter than
what we had discussed.
Phoebe: Would you relax? I know what I am doing. This is how he wears it.
Monica: How who wears it?
Phoebe: Demi Moore.
Monica: Demi Moore is not a he.
Phoebe: Well, he was a he in Arthur,
and in Ten.
Monica: That's Dudley Moore. I said I wanted it like Demi
Moore.
Phoebe: Oh. Oh!
Monica: Oh my God!
Phoebe: Oh my God!
Monica: Oh my God!
Phoebe: Oh my God! I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Which one's Demi
Moore?
Monica: She's the actress that was in Disclosure, Indecent Proposal, Ghost!
Phoebe: Oh, she's got gorgeous hair.
Monica:
I know!
[Scene: Frank's tailor
shop, Chandler
is getting his pants measured.]
Frankie: How long
do you want the cuffs?
Chandler: At least as long as I have the pants.
(Pause as Frankie resumes37 his work.)
Frankie: I just got that. Ok, now we'll do your inseam38. (He slowly measures it up his
leg, and Chandler
makes a rather surprised face.)
[Scene: Monica and
Rachel's, Monica is recovering from her haircut, Phoebe is playing her
doctor and is coming in from the bedroom.]
Rachel: How is she?
Phoebe: It's too soon to tell. She's resting, which is a good sign.
Ross: How's the hair?
Phoebe: (13)I'm not gonna lie to you, Ross, it doesn't look good. I put a clip on one side, which
seems to have stopped the curling.
Joey: Can we see her?
Phoebe: Your hair looks too good, I think it
would upset her. Ross, why don't you come on in.
Ross: Yeah.
(Gets up, but then pauses when he realizes what that meant.)
(They go into the bedroom
leaving Joey and Rachel alone.)
Joey: How're you doing?
Rachel: I'm okay.
Joey: Ooh, that bad, huh?
Rachel: What?
Joey: Look, I can sense when women are depressed and vulnerable39. It's one of my gifts.
Rachel: When I saw him get off that plane with her, I really thought I
hit rock bottom. But today, it's like there's rock bottom, 50 feet of crap,
then me.
Joey: You gotta tell Ross how you feel.
Rachel: Come on. How can I just tell him? What about Julie?
Joey: What about her? They've only been going out for two weeks. Ross
has been in love with you for like 10 years.
Rachel: I don't know, I don't know.
Joey: Look, Rach, Rach!
I've been with my share of women. In fact, I've been with like a lot of
people's share of women. The point is, I've never felt
about anyone the way Ross felt about you.
Chandler: (entering, angry)(14) Yo, paisan! Can I talk to
you for a sec? (Pause) Your tailor is a very bad man!
Joey: Frankie? What're you talking about?
Ross: (entering from the bedroom) Hey, what's goin'
on? (Pats Chandler
on the shoulder which causes him to jump.)
Chandler: Joey's tailor...took advantage of me.
Ross: What?
Joey: No way. I've been going to the guy for 12 years.
Chandler: Oh come on! He said he was going to do my inseam, and he ran his
hand up my leg, and then, there was definite...
Ross: What?
Chandler: Cupping40.
Joey: That's how they do pants! First they go up one side, they move it
over, then they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the
rear. (Chandler
and Ross stare at him) What? Ross, Ross, would you tell him? Isn't that how
they measure pants?
Ross: Yes, yes it is. In prison! Whatsa matter with you?
Joey: What? That's not? (Realizes) Oh my God.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, later that day. Monica is now out and
about.]
Monica: Even Mary Tyler Moore would've been better.
Ross: I like it. I do, I think it's a Ten. (Chandler laughs.)
Monica: Thank you. My hair is very amused.
Chandler: Come on, Monica, things could be worse. You could get caught
between the moon and New York City.
I know it's crazy, but it's true.
Phoebe: (to Chandler
and Ross) Thank you.
Ross: Well, I gotta go. Bye. Bye, Rach.
Rachel: (sticking her head in from the balcony) Wait, are you leaving?
Ross: Yeah, that's kinda what I meant by
"bye!"
Rachel: Well, can I talk to you for a sec?
Ross: Okay. (goes out onto the balcony41)
Joey: Hey, when the doctor does that hernia test...
Chandler: That's ok. [Out on the balcony]
Ross: What's goin' on?
Rachel: Well, first of all, Paulo and I are not back together. It was
just a stupid thing I did, and if I could go back in time and do it again, well, I wouldn't. Um, second of all (Ross is
laughing) , what?
Ross: Ok. Well, before I say anything, I just need to know, is this one
of those things where you break up with a guy, and then I tell you what I
think, and then the next day you get back together with the guy, and I look
like a complete idiot?
Rachel: No. No-no-no-no.
Ross: Well, then, I think, I think the guy is scum. I hate him. I mean I actually -- I-I physically hate him. I always have. (15)You
are way too good to be with a guy like that.
Rachel: Really?
Ross: You deserve to be with someone who appreciates you,
and who gets how funny and sweet and amazing, and adorable, and sexy you are,
you know? Someone who wakes up every morning thinking
"Oh my god, I'm with Rachel". You know, someone who makes you
feel good, the way I am with Julie. (Rachel has moved closer, but hearing that
she starts to back up.) Was there a second of all?
Rachel: No, I think that was the whole all.
Ross: Okay.
Okay. (They hug.) Okay.
[Cut back inside, Joey is
on the phone.]
Joey: I swear to god, Dad. That's not how they measure pants.
Closing Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Julie
is wanting to get her hair cut from Phoebe.]
Julie: I was thinking of doing it a little shorter, you know, like Andie McDowell's new haircut?
Phoebe: Oh yeah!
Oh, I can do that.
Julie: Really?
Phoebe: You wanna do it right now?
Julie: Great! (Julie leaves)
Phoebe: (to Rachel) Ok, I just wanna be really
sure this time. Andie McDowell's the girl from Four Weddings and a Funeral,
right?
Rachel: No. No no no no no. That's Rodney McDowell. Andie
McDowell is the guy from Planet
of the Apes.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah. Ok, thank you.
Rachel: You're welcome.
End
|
|
|
0201-a.jpg
|
|
356 x 247
|
43 kB
|
|
|
|
|
0201-b.jpg
|
|
298 x 408
|
30 kB
|
|
|
|
|
0201-c.jpg
|
|
570 x 335
|
24 kB
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
0201-d1.jpg
|
|
606 x 430
|
34 kB
|
|
|
|
|
0201-d2.jpg
|
|
285 x 252
|
16 kB
|
|
|
|
|
0201-d3.jpg
|
|
305 x 494
|
26 kB
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
0201-e.jpg
|
|
351 x 248
|
24 kB
|
|
|
|
|
|
